A Sabbatical Retrospective

Tuesday, March 18, 2025

Mar 18, 2025

Hello, my darlings! It’s March 15th as I write this, and I am sitting on the floor of my short-term rental in sunny San Diego. For some reason, I do some of my best writing when I am propped up against the front of the couch, typing on the coffee table, staring out a window, my legs falling asleep…

I am 3 days away from the official end date of my one-year sabbatical (March 18th), although I am working on figuring out ways for it to never finish (more on that later).

When I say that this year has been the most life-changing experience I have had to-date, it feels so…inadequate. It is one of those things that is hard to explain - it just has to be lived. But I am going to try.

Be sure to scroll all the way to the bottom for pictures of my favorite memories from this year!

Time is a Construct.

This year has been deliciously slow, like when you fall half-asleep on the beach, and seagulls and kids are laughing in the distance, noises that are framed by the sound of waves hitting the shore. You’re warm, you’re happy, you have nowhere to be. You can feel the sand’s heat rising through your beach towel. Time itself evaporates.

And I spent a lot of time at the beach this year.

Maybe that’s why this year felt like its own juicy, well-lived lifetime.

Or maybe it’s because I no longer had structure. Days became meaningless to a certain extent - they started to blur together. And I became aware, then, that a lot of what I was doing was merely habitual, like scrolling on the internet, turning on Netflix while eating dinner, and even my chronic illness. All patterns. All boring. All rote. I realized that I needed to start doing memorable things with my day. That, and keeping notes in my calendar.

What in your life is just a habit that no longer fits? How can you be in the present moment more so that time just evaporates?

Health is a Mindset.

The main purpose for my sabbatical was attempting to heal the terrible chronic illnesses that started during a period of significant stress in my life. In the months leading up to January 2021, I ended my engagement, got promoted at work, decided to drive an RV across the country…all while the pandemic was raging. In hindsight, it’s no wonder I got really sick.

My gap year was rocky health-wise. I was able to travel to amazing places, but often I wasn’t able to do the things I had wanted or planned. It was frustrating to go to a beautiful place and have to spend a day (or three) in bed. I also had to build in rest time between trips, returning to Knoxville to recover.

But, because I wasn’t working, I had a lot of time to think, and to notice patterns. I started to see how periods of stress were leading to flare-ups (travel days, for example), and I started to make changes. I took better care of myself. I stopped drinking, I cut back on caffeine, I cleaned up my diet (well, the last one is still a work in progress lol). I cancelled doctor’s appointments that were not 100% necessary. I stopped doing things I thought I “should” and I prioritized my joy.

Four years TO THE LITERAL DAY when my illnesses first began, I woke up feeling indescribably different. I just knew I was in remission. How magical is that? I am ecstatic to say that I have been flare-free for almost two months. The joy that doing things like calling friends on the phone, or vacuuming, or walking my dog, fills my days. I am endlessly grateful for this second chance.

Where are you getting in your own way? How can you appreciate your life more?

Life is Still the Same.

While on sabbatical, life kept happening. My house needed major repairs before I could sell it, for example. I also had to send my sweet Charlie doggie over the rainbow bridge (Trixie and I still miss him terribly), my car needed major repairs (the sunroof started leaking rainwater on my head), and I got food poisoning in Spain that lasted from July to December (!!!). I was still feeling lost and exhausted, even in foreign countries. Especially in foreign countries.

This year really underscored the adage: where you go is where you are. Life is still the same. However, it is more enjoyable to deal with your problems when you’re eating dinner watching the sun set over the Mediterranean…just saying. 😉

Where are you avoiding your problems?

Identity…Is.

Once I resigned from my job, I rapidly realized how much of my identity was wrapped up in my career: my title, my salary, my benefits, my field of research. When it was stripped away, a big question arose: Who am I when I am not working? I felt even more lost and confused than before, honestly, in the months right after resigning.

Most people probably don’t realize - and I certainly didn’t (while noting that what I am about to say is only true in the United States, as far as I can tell) - that, when meeting someone new, the #1 ice breaker in conversation is:

“So…what do you do for a living?”

It is how we judge whether someone is good enough for us to know socially. It is how we put each other in boxes. It is how we are able to avoid vulnerability. It is how we avoid acknowledging - even to ourselves - that work *is* our personality. Responding with “nothing right now, I’m taking a break" is a guaranteed way to make someone uncomfortable. They aren’t expecting that answer.

Their follow-up question is typically not, “Tell me more, how fun!” but rather: “Well, what did you USED to do for a job?”(Like previous jobs define us in the present moment.) I had a date the other day, and he spent the entire time talking about his job, and then asking me about my former job.

We didn’t go on a second date.

I remember journaling this summer, somewhere in the south of France. I wrote down all the labels that used to be true but no longer were (teenager, college student, employee…). I then wrote down my current labels (daughter, sister, friend…). It ended up being a very long, long list, by this time, but I didn’t stop, not yet. I then asked myself how I would describe myself if all my current labels disappeared, too. I sat there for a while, stumped. And then inspiration struck, writing in my journal:

I am. I am presence. I am loving awareness. I am soul. I am spirit. I am one with creation. I just am.

I then went on to write, “[eliminating labels] puts me in the present, and my identity - who I am truly - no longer needs labels. I am free to be whatever I want.” Wow - read that again. Thinking about that makes me feel weightless.

How would you introduce yourself without labels of any kind? What is an ice-breaker question you can start asking that is not tied to work?

Accomplishments are Overrated.

I visited 2 new continents / 8 countries, wrote 2 poetry books (just need to publish them!), started this Substack, restarted my photography hobby, visited good friends & made amazing new ones, healed my chronic illnesses…and I am currently in the process of moving and starting a business. And the funny thing is…

I set out to accomplish nothing this year. Absolutely nothing. I set out to live.

All of these things just happened along the way, a by-product of following my heart each day and giving myself space to simply be.

And in the process, I learned - remembered, really - that accomplishments are in the eye of the beholder. You can define it any way you wish.

I left a few things on the table, like travel to Australia and Japan, & yoga teacher training, but that just gives me something to look forward to.

I stopped trying to be busy all the time. I put a screen limit on my phone, and I set a timer to sit and do nothing. I watched the wind gently blow the grass. I felt my coffee cool in my cup.

And, in the void remaining, I truly met myself.

Occasionally, my inner monster voice would pop up and say things like, “You’re five months into this thing, that’s long enough, stop being lazy already” or “Wow, it’s been eight months and you still don’t know what you’re going to do for work?” or “Spending your savings on this sabbatical is pretty wasteful.”

And time after time, I told that creature to shove it.

Life can’t be controlled, and it definitely doesn’t have a timeline. It took 6 months to feel bored for the first time, 10 months to heal my illnesses, 11 months to come up with my business idea, 12 months to figure out where to move…as hard as it was for me, I just let things happen at their own pace.

Where is your ego guilting you into continuous accomplishments? Are your goals actually still aligned with your current values? Where can you invite more rest?

Endings are Just Beginnings in Disguise.

And so this brings me back to my initial point, which is that I really don’t want this sabbatical to end. Even though I *technically* ended my sabbatical in early February, at month 11. I was so excited about my new business idea that I started working on it then, rather than wait until March 19th, but I have been having so much fun that it doesn’t feel like work at all. I am learning new skills, and it is a lovely creative outlet. And so, since it doesn’t feel like work, I guess my sabbatical isn’t ending after all. 😉

I will definitely bring all I have learned into this new chapter of my life. I am already noticing how I am can get swept up in working, like I used to do, and I am setting boundaries (semi-)successfully. No work on weekends, for example, and prioritizing exercise in the mornings. In San Diego, that means walks along the beach, and I am here for it!

To close - both this post and this sabbatical - I want to thank you for being part of this journey. I wouldn’t be here without the amazing people in my life, encouraging me along the way. And I especially want to thank the past version of myself who, scared out of her mind but somehow doing it anyway, jumped off the metaphorical cliff on March 18, 2024 to really, truly live this adventure we call life. You go, girl.

Life is short, have fun!

Alicia

My favorite unedited memories from my sabbatical (narrowed down from 61, which was basically impossible but somehow I managed…!):

My favorite ice cream: